Ancient Religious Documents Discovered!
Hi all. This is a post of monumental importance by Seth Kurtenbach. I was walking my dog today, and she started digging in the grass by the dumpster. She unearthed some ancient tablets! They tell of the true origin of the cosmos! I was able to decipher the ancient language, and this is what the tablets said:
The Book of Gnomesis. Chapter 1
“in beginning, the gnomes had an orgy that resulted in the heavens and the earth. The gnomes said, “let there be light, so that we may see where to thrust our weeners!”; and there was light.
And the gnomes saw in the light each other’s bodies, and became aroused.
And after the orgy, one of the gnomes said, “Grant upon me a light, for I needs must have an afterglow smoke!” And he begat that light, and smake his cigarette
Then the gnomes became drunk, and blacked out, and they called this black out Night.
Then the gnomes said, “let it be known that we peed ourselves in the night,”
and they called the collection of pee “water,” and the soggy firmament “heaven”.
So overflowed with gnome pee do the Heavens become, that it rains down on our heads
Then the gnomes said, “let the waters under the heavens get mopped up as best as possible by a janitor, that there may be Earth among the waters.”
In the mop bucket they called the Seas, and in the dry spots the called the Earth, and this made them horny again.
Then the gnomes said, “let the Earth bring forth grass, that herb that yields a relaxing high, and jazz music”
and it was so.
Then the gnomes said, “let’s go explore our creation while high, that we may tinker with its workings, and conceal our presence, for this is hilarious” And they did, and it was.
Then the gnomes said, “Let us go to Tijuana. Let us create a beast there, called an ass, and let us KNOW it.” And so the gnomes created the ass, and all other beasts that walk on all fours, for the purpose of drunkenly KNOWING them.
And the gnomes lost track of time, and forgot how many days had been spent working on this.
Then the gnomes said, “let us make man in Our image, except we will give him nipples, and run his prostate through with his urethra, that he may pee as often as we do.”
So the gnomes created man in their own image, but with nipples.
Then the gnomes created woman, also with nipples, and directed man and woman to have orgies as often as possible.
Then the gnomes saw everything they had magically orgied into existence while drunk, and indeed it did arouse them.
Then they passed out again, and were hungover the next day.
The Book of Gnomesis. Chapter 2.
Thus the universe and the gardens, and all the socks and underpants, were finished.
And on the seventh day the Gnomes slept on filthy futons in the garage of an off-campus duplex, and awoke only to vomit forth finishing touches into that which they called the Sea, and also they smake more for to fill the garage with a haze to keep out the daylight.
Then one of the Gnomes let it be known that they should do this every weekend, and keep free the seventh day for recuperation purposes. And it was so.
This is the history of the universe when it was created, orgied into existence by the horny wisdom of Gnomes.
Before any herbs be grown and smaked, the Gnomes saw that they had not yet brought forth the rain, and neither was there man to till the garden and roll the joint;
But the Gnomes did chug, and through their ever aroused members did spring the waters in an arc of greatness.
And from the coagulate gathered in the corner of the garage, the Gnomes did form man, and breathed into his face the smoke of tobacco, that he might have life, but also that he might get cancer. And man became a living being.
The Gnomes told the man to go into their garden, and to bring forth the herb.
And in the garden did grow all kinds of plants, those for to eat, and those for to smoke, and those for to synthesize drugs. The tree of life was also in the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of fact and fiction.
The Gnomes told the man to tend to the garden, that they may play in it.
And one of the Gnomes commanded him, saying, “of all the plants of the garden you may freely eat, smoke, and synthesize drugs;
“But of the tree of the knowledge of fact and fiction you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” And another of the Gnomes said, “Die?! Surely if he eats of the tree of knowledge of fact and fiction he shall not die, for why would we make such a tree and put it in our garden?”
And the first Gnome said, “Well, he won’t really actually die. I mean it metaphorically. If he eats of the tree of knowledge of fact and fiction he will suffer a symbolic death.”
And the second Gnome said, “Oh. Well what will literally happen if he eats of the tree of knowledge of fact and fiction?”
And the first Gnome did shrug, and did invite the second Gnome to have a beer. And so he did.
Then the Gnomes said, “let us see what sorts of things we can do to man; let us put him in a cage with a tiger and see what happens!” And so they did, and the man did not fare well.
“Let us bring forth a helper for the man, that he and his helper might slay the tiger!” Said an all powerful Gnome.
“Yes. And let us then watch the man and his helper for to see if they will KNOW each other, and let us possibly film it.”
Out of thin air the Gnomes formed every beast and bird, and brought them to Adam to see if they would be helpful in slaying the tiger, or if he would enjoy KNOWING them. Then the Gnomes told Adam to come up with names for all of the creatures, that he might scream out their names while KNOWING them. The Gnomes did giggle.
So Adam did slay the tiger with the help of a Purple Oyster, and did KNOW all of the beasts and birds by name. The Gnomes then did destroy the Purple Oyster. Thus was Adam without a suitable helper.
And the Gnomes synthesized a powerful narcotic from the garden, and did give Adam a mighty dose, that he might sleep. Amazed, the Gnomes did become curious, and did try the narcotic for themselves. Praise be to their heightened tolerance that they did not sleep, and could with even greater creativity come up with a plan.
Thence the Gnomes clambered atop Adam’s chest, and did rip out a rib, and fashioned for Adam another man. Then when Adam did awake the Gnomes introduced him to Steve, whom they had fashioned from Adam’s rib, that they might KNOW each other.
And they were both naked, the man and his companion, and were not ashamed.
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