The official blog of University of Missouri Skeptics, Atheists, Secular Humanists, & Agnostics

Murdered by Jesus (or possibly Dracula)

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Meeting: Tomorrow (Wednesday 8/31/11) at 5:30 PM in the Arts & Science building, room 103

James here.

Some interesting developments regarding my faith of late. Two, in fact. I don’t know how much time is left, so I’ll be blunt: First, I have reluctantly been forced to abandon my atheism. Second, I’m presently trapped under my mattress and boxspring by what I can only assume is an enraged avatar of Jesus Christ.

As you’ve probably already determined, these two events are causally connected. Although I suspect being flayed alive by our Lord and Savior is no worse than I deserve, the reality of it all is only now sinking in. It all started this past Sunday…

Like most good atheists, I was spending my Sabbath day at a butcher’s shop, browsing the selection of goat and lamb innards. The butcher, sensing the vacuous confine of space that once held my mortal soul, was visibly upset and doing his best to hurry me along and out the door. Admittedly, I was holding up the line quite severely, mainly due to the difficulty I was having in calculating the perimeter of a blood pentagram using just a bone-ash pencil and the back cover of a Necronomicon. But I have my rights just like everyone else. I finally left with a plastic bag of hallowed goodies and returned to my shanty alone… so I thought.

I had barely started my ritual sacrifice to Atheismo, the nonexistent three-headed god of atheism, when I heard a loud tapping at my window. Before I could even unzip the eye-holes of my S&M mask to look out, a tremendous gust of wind toppled my homemade alter and blew out my demonic black-flame candles. The alter, which made of transitional fossils and beneficial mutations and was, therefore, incredibly light and fragile, shattered into pieces. Then I saw him. Standing just outside my partially demolished wall was a tall, dark figure suspended in midair. He floated in and immediately demanded I repent, or else face an ‘unholy pistolwhipping from beyond the grave.’

This shall be my immortality.

At first, I was nearly certain it was either Dracula or perhaps an urban bigfoot. Now, the truth couldn’t be more obvious: god is real, and he works in very mysterious ways.

I’ve been stuck for almost a day now. Jesus just keeps staring, taking the tiniest steps towards me every time I close my eyes. Reading Ann Coulter’s book Godless: The Church of Liberalism (available at fine stores everywhere) aloud seems to calm the creature, but I’m down to the last few pages and it isn’t exactly content heavy. I’ve repented in terms agreeable to every Christian denomination I can think of, so I should be on the fast-track to Heaventown. I think the end may be near, but I’ll continue to liveblog from under my bed for as long as I hold out.

In other news, Michele Bachmann is a moron.

Oh god! The beast awakens! See you on the other side, godless scum!

James was a graduate of the University of Missouri, Columbia. He was a research biologist specializing in the molecular evolution of invertebrates. If you would like to pay James to do science for you or your laboratory, please travel back in time and post in the comments. Also, feel free to visit his subpar research blog.


One comment on “Murdered by Jesus (or possibly Dracula)

  1. MU SASHA Administrator
    August 30, 2011

    I want a stuffed-animal Atheismo to sleep with at night! Where can I get one of those?! – Dave

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This entry was posted on August 30, 2011 by in Uncategorized.
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