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I have joined the small but ever-growing list of people who know what it is like to be a Messiah. For a short time, I had become Christ in the flesh. And I must tell you, dear reader, it felt good. Really good.
Before the Holy Spirit wholly abandons me and I return to a mere mortal, I’ve taken the time to write down a few of my Holy revelations and experiences.
I entered the Sacred Circle of Speaking to the sound of trumpets and angel’s tears, the scent of feathers and heavenly spices thick on the breeze. My children were all there with eager faces and open hearts. I could feel their love filling my mind, body, and soul in ways you could not imagine and in places so deep and dark I dare not mention them. Yes, those places.
But I was not alone. Others were there with me, spreading a false gospel of deceit! They were the Jedites: Brother Jed and friends! And there was much clashing and gnashing of teeth.
It will come as no shock to learn that one of Brother Jed’s ilk, a certain gentleman I’ll refer to only as Mr. BC, was displeased with my presence; however, even I was surprised at how little time passed before he began simultaneously accusing me of being both a demon and a flaming homosexual monster. It was almost instantaneous.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mr. BC, he is evidently a world renowned multimillionaire polymath gentleman scholar with a heart of gold who, despite only having formal training in computer science, has mastered the fields of biology, physics, mathematics, logic, geology, anthropology, archeology, and ufology. He is not shy about letting you know the scope of his expertise, as an endless stream of facts and truth can exit his mouth at a continuous rate for hours upon hours. Even when his words render your eardrums into a bloody heap of mismatched tissues and your brain into an unrecognizable hematoma of sorrow, his voice goes on and on.
Additionally, he has a bottomless repertoire of supernatural abilities at his fingertips, including the ability to control the weather and communicate with animals, thanks to his devotion to the Lord. His supercomputer-like brain is so sharp he could literally disembowel you with a mere though. I’m certainly lucky he took pity on me and only resorted to calling me a ‘faggot.’ Such mercy and tact.
Anyway, knowing that I was in the company of a leviathan of human understanding, I kindly and humbly asked him to prove that I was not, in fact, Jesus reborn. His response was that the real Jesus would be able to name all the stars in the sky.
Considering that there are roughly 400 billion stars in the Milky Way (most of which do not have anything resembling a proper name, let alone the rest of the stars in the universe), and that there is no list of stars in the bible or any Christian holy book, I’m not really sure what he had in mind. I suspect his encyclopedic knowledge of both physics and astronomy and unprecedented mental processing power would have enabled him to properly distinguish the true Christian names of stars from the false secular ones. Nevertheless, I created my own alphanumeric and completely arbitrary naming convention for celestial bodies on the spot and began stars in a very authoritative manner. I could tell that, at least for a few fleeting seconds, it seemed like he actually thought I was labeling the heavens, but this quickly gave way to more accusations of Satan being my father.
Ad hominem attacks are the last refuge of those with no case and no class, but the poor guy didn’t even bother letting me eviscerate his feeble little arguments. He is one of the few individuals in the world you can stand next to while you are dressed as Christ Jesus and still not feel like an arrogant bastard.
I received only one condemnation for my actions from somebody without a messianic complex. At the SASHA table, a gentleman expressed his misgivings and commented on his dearth of respect for my performance. I gathered he was a theist; likely a Christian by his later comments on the specific origins of the universe and the veracity of evolution which were, as one might expect, vapid and malformed. To paraphrase:
“I can understand presenting your cause at this ‘Ask an Atheist’ table, but mocking Jesus? I cannot respect that. It’s offensive. Why have you singled out Christianity when other religions are just as absurd in your eyes?”
For anybody not paying attention, I’ll point out that I was actively attempting to offend on some level. I thought that was fairly clear after I had claimed to be an expert at performing fellatio on both the Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost. However, I find it hard to believe it took me dressing in a white robe and talking about sexual congress with the Holy Spirit for him to become offended. I suspect the combination of my very existence and my position on the existence of his favorite deity are sufficient to cause him offence on some level.
Besides, causing such individuals discomfort and ire is pretty much the only thing that warms my blackened heart. You will soon learn that about me should you ask about my thoughts on, say, the Intelligent Design movement. On request, I will gladly let it be known that I have no more respect for your thuggish fictional god than I do for your childish beliefs in that cretinous bastard.
I had hoped the reasons for singling out Christianity in particular were clear enough, but I will briefly elaborate. First, there were no Buddhist, Jain, Muslim, or Zoroastrian preachers out on that particular day, so my choice in topical messiah guises was quite limited. Second, I have never seen preachers from those particular religions out on any given day in Missouri, so I fail to see much utility in ridiculing them. Besides, why bother offending Zoroastrians when I am surrounded by easily outraged Christians? I’m not one to pass up low hanging fruit, and there are only so many nice days I wish to squander combating the stupidly unleashed by the faithful. Third, I would gladly wear prosthetic Hobbit feet and dance a merry jig if Tolkenism suddenly became the predominant religion* in the United States. No, I know all too well that the most common species of believer in my county are of the Christian genus.
I want to close by thanking all the Apostles and Roman centurions who helped me spread the good word. Although the Jesus you met and loved has departed, he will remember your good works and reward you in the hereafter…
Because Jesus never forgets.
James is a graduate of the University of Missouri, Columbia. He is a research biologist specializing in the molecular evolution of invertebrates. Feel free to visit his subpar research blog.
and don’t forget… other SASHA members! We are here for you, too!
*Anybody interested in actually making this happen should contact me immediately.