The official blog of University of Missouri Skeptics, Atheists, Secular Humanists, & Agnostics

Possessed hand ushers in the Apocalypse: Thanks OBAMA!

Norfolk, VA. In an effort to raise the cost of U.S. health care so that His will can be done and Obamacare repealed, the Lord has forsaken hospitals and given them over to the Devil himself.

The Devil was first introduced to the health care system when his son on earth, Obama, filed down his horns and ran for president on a health care platform. Through a yearlong campaign deceiving the weak of faith, despite Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s warnings and a chain email sent out by God, the Devil managed to fool Americans into thinking Obamacare would be a good idea.

Now he has struck. The Devil recently possessed a Virginia man’s hand and caused him to sin. So, in accordance with the OT, Thomas Passmore cut off his hand. Foolishly, he rushed not only himself bodily to the hospital, but also brought his possessed hand, thereby allowing the Devil to enter the hospital.


The ancient Greeks’ hands were frequent targets of demonic possession, which we see reflected in their sculptures. Their civilization collapsed into Godlessness.

Due to recent advances in medicine, hospitals are normally protected from demonic intrusion through a series of rituals and other scientific things. However, due to a weakness in the system, which for obvious security reasons cannot be revealed, the possessed hand was allowed into the hospital, where it quickly wreaked havoc.

The doctors attempted to reattach Passmore’s possessed hand, but as he was then free from his possession, he vehemently resisted. He explained that the hand was possessed by the Devil.

Dr. Tad Grenga, who was in charge of the ordeal, claimed, “we ran a few differential diagnostics on both the patient and the disembodied hand. The most likely explanation, according to my medical education at Liberty University, was that indeed the hand was possessed, and we would be violating the Hippocratic oath by reattaching it. We therefore gave the patient a silver hook, which he could use to fight off future evil forces, like werewolves. Obamacare encourages that kind of preventative care, so we met all standard of care criteria.”

The hand, now running free throughout the hospital, disagrees: “Haec allegata sunt flagitia! Ut filii lucis estis, et filii serpentis; Quid tandem te nocebunt? Nolumus autem vos suffocare!” The hand then hissed and scampered off toward Pediatrics.

However, the Devil’s work was not finished, according to Dr. Grenga: “Now fully possessed by The Great Deceiver, the patient claims to have been suffering from psychosis while protesting his hand’s reattachment. He is suing me for three million dollars. I pray to God that this will go away.”

God’s heavenly messengers issued a press release this morning via a trumpeted fanfare announcing that God had no intention of intervening on Dr. Grenga’s behalf, stating, “With baseball season ramping up after the All-Star Break, His Majesty must devote full attention to matters more important than hospitals. Grenga would do better to make a large bet on the Royals and pray to Him for their victory.”

Passmore maintains that it was all a psychotic episode, which the medical staff should have detected. He maintains that, while in his psychotic state, he was unable to make any decisions concerning his medical treatment. But, that’s just what a possessed liar would say.

According to Dr. Emory Taylor, Chair of Demonology at Harvard, we can expect more of these incidents in the near future, as Satan and his children dismantle the forsaken health care institution, like they did with education due to the teaching of evolution.

[, story actually from 1997.]


About Seth Kurtenbach

Philosophy grad student who wandered into a computer science PhD program with a backpack full of modal logic and decision theory.

One comment on “Possessed hand ushers in the Apocalypse: Thanks OBAMA!

  1. rocketkirchner
    August 15, 2013

    seth , i realize that this is meant as satire , but i can assure you from my leftist progressive standpoint Obamacare as Ralph Nader said , along with the rest of his spying , NDAA , constant drone strikes , etc… is not only a con job but is and will damage people .

    His program will set back real health care , and that is what his corporate paymasters want . if you study the insurance companys and what they will gain from this and who backs this oppressive president , this is just one indication as to what i mean . it is too bad that idiots who critisize this puppet in the white house are not doing it right and give those of us who resist the 2 party dictatorship of the Amercian Empire a bad name .

    interesting to note ( something you already know ) , and that is that at the Fall of Rome in the early 5th century sacked by Alaric and the Visogoths , the relgiuos Romans who worshipped the gods blamed the followers of Jesus of Nazareth for angering the gos and losing their protection , and even went so far as to call these early Christ followers from Nero’s persecution of them in 64 A.D. ( Tacitus writes ) ….Atheists .

    i find it ironic that you used classic Greek Doric sculpture though disfigured to prove your point . for i see the so called christians of today to be as disfigured in their constant carping on this bad president as this bad president himself . i will leave Snowden and Manning , my heroes sort out the rest.

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This entry was posted on August 15, 2013 by in Author: Seth Kurtenbach, In The News and tagged , , .
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