We weren’t included on the AFA’s anti-Christian bigotry map *Feigned Outrage*

ImageGen

Source: AFA

This morning the American Family Association published a comprehensive interactive map recognizing 200 self-identifying atheist, anti-Christian, humanist and “homosexual agenda” bigotry groups in the United States.

How neat, I thought. I am always looking for new, like-minded groups to network with in my area. This well-labeled map will help direct me to groups that share our goals.

Then I noticed a stunning omission. It seems that although the AFA thought to include Columbia Atheists, student groups like Secular Student Alliance @ UCMO and groups in my hometown area like O’Fallon Atheists, they had completely neglected to add our group to their roster.

This is a total setback for MU SASHA if other groups can’t find us. We atheists get left out of everything: heaven, public office, job promotions, now this! Our mere existence as a college group serving hundreds of atheists locally adds as much fuel to Christians’ perceived persecutory delusion as any of those other groups. Our bigotry to Christian bigotry must not pass unrecognized!

We have written to the American Family Association alerting them to this omission. We will update if we hear back from them.

Source: AFA Releases National Map Identifying Anti-Christian Groups

Hat tip to Hemant Mehta: American Family Association Creates “Bigotry Map” Featuring Dozens of Atheist, Humanist, and Pro-LGBT-Rights Groups

Taking the Christ, and the Mass, Out of Christmas

Nativity_Take2_Ex

Ah, Christmas, that sacred holiday, the celebration of Christ’s birth. Which is actually supposed to be in October or something: if you read the Bible, it says Jesus was born in the “harvest season”. Christmas is only in December because a dead Roman guy combined it with pagan midwinter celebrations. But what if you don’t believe in Christ, God, or any of that stuff? Not a problem! You can still have a great day without involving religion in the slightest.

Growing up, I never had a religious Christmas, which confuses some people. The fact is, I didn’t know Christmas was supposed to be religious until I was ten years old. For me and my family, Christmas is a day to celebrate family, friends, and significant others. It’s sort of like Thanksgiving with presents: I’m thankful that you all are in my life, and here is a token of my appreciation. If you don’t want a religious holiday, that’s one way to do it: make it about living people who matter to you, not a two-thousand-year-dead stranger. It doesn’t even have to clash with your God-fearing relatives’ version of Christmas, as long as they don’t specifically bring up Jesus.

Christmas_Penta_Ex

But what if you do have a super-Christian family? What if your parents force you to go to Christmas Mass? My personal suggestion is to face your fears, stand up to them and say, “Mom, Dad, I’m not really into the whole God thing, and I’d rather not go to church this Christmas.” Then again, I’ve always been a pretty direct person. If you don’t want to risk alienating your relatives, just sit through it. You don’t have to do anything. Just occupy your mind with other thoughts and stand up and sit down when everyone else does. No one is likely to notice if you aren’t singing along to the hymns or whatever else they do in church. This is also a great way to keep them from spoiling the holiday with constant refrains of “I can’t believe you don’t believe in God!”

What if you’re spiritual but not religious, or if you follow a religion other than Christianity, but your relatives still celebrate Christmas? Again, you can just make it a day to celebrate your family. Or, you can have your own December holiday. I have Jewish friends who say that Hanukah wouldn’t be such a big deal if the Christians weren’t all celebrating around the same time. I have a friend who worships Cthulu; he celebrates the winter solstice. Kwanza, Midwinter’s Eve, my birthday… there’s lots of things to celebrate in December :)

I guess what I’m getting at is, you can have your cake and eat it too. You can have the love of your family and the integrity of your beliefs. There will inevitably be some people who find you despicable for not revering Christ. But in the words of Doctor Seuss, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” The ones who love you will always forgive you for what they perceive as a transgression.

Happy Holidays, one and all.

Mizzou Volleyball Gets A Yellow Card

I’m sure many of you have seen stories about businesses like restaurants offering discounts to people who bring in church bulletins. Atheist activist Hemant Mehta summed up the reasoning behind the frustrations on the Friendly Atheist blog (not to mention the fact that it’s illegal under the Civil Rights Act to not equally accommodate all citizens).

The Freedom From Religion Foundation has taken on several of the cases, typically by first requesting that the error be fixed, then by taking legal action if no change is willingly made. While courts are hesitant to do anything that could be interpreted as infringing on Christian religious liberty, they have mostly sided with the plaintiffs.

You can imagine my surprise, then, when I heard an ad for free admission to volleyball events this weekend with a church bulletin. Conservative restaurant owners are one thing, but at my school? Surely they knew better.

So I checked the promotions page, and sure enough the offer was right there, labeled “Church Day.”

This is the promotions page on 9/22/2014.

The other SASHA officers and I weren’t huge fans of this, and decided to respectfully point out their mistake. After all, not everybody is as well-versed in religious discrimination law as we are. However, before being able to get into contact with them, we noticed a slight change…

Here";

Here’s what the promotions page said, 9/23/2014

See the difference? Now they have a new way to get in for free. Hooray! It isn’t clear why the original offer is still there; it’s no longer illegal, but certainly seems rather awkward and somewhat inappropriate. But hey, point one for atheists, right? Eh, not so much. It’s still pretty much saying that churchgoers should get some special shout-out.

We’re not sure what sparked the change, as this is the first time we’ve been able to find that they offered a free voucher alongside a church bulletin discount.

We decided to go ahead and contact them anyway, to let the volleyball/baseball promotions manager know that we don’t appreciate the practice, and the way it was done in the past was illegal:

Hello,

MU SASHA has been notified that one of the events on September 28th, 2014 is “Church Day,” where individuals may receive free admission by bringing a church bulletin, as detailed on your promotions page: http://www.mutigers.com/sports/w-volley/spec-rel/event-promotions-volley.html. Additionally, church bulletin discounts have apparently historically been a practice with other sporting events, such as baseball (http://www.mutigers.com/sports/m-basebl/spec-rel/event-promotions.html), and even going as far back as 1998 (http://www.themaneater.com/stories/1998/10/9/volleyball-team-smacks-cyclones/).

We note that Mizzou Athletics has very recently added a free voucher for this weekend that anybody can print (which has not been the case for past promotions), but the church bulletin remains. We still feel that the original promotion is unnecessary and inappropriate; although not technically illegal, this practice shows a clear bias against those who do not attend church or those who do not believe. The voucher still requires prior knowledge and printing, whereas the church bulletin does not.

We would like to inform you that offering church bulletin discounts in the past, without other equally accessible discounts, was illegal under the Civil Rights Act. As summarized by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, “Church bulletin discounts are restrictive promotional practices, which favor religious customers and deny customers who do not attend church, and nonbelievers, the right to ‘full and equal’ enjoyment of the restaurant, store or other business” (http://ffrf.org/faq/feeds/item/14010-church-bulletin-discounts).

On behalf of all those unfairly discriminated against by this practice, in a legal sense or because of the message it sends, we respectfully request that you discontinue the church bulletin promotion for this weekend’s event and in the future. We look forward to hearing from you when you have decided how to remedy this issue.

Regards,

MU SASHA | Skeptics, Atheists, Secular Humanists & Agnostics

We got a response… 

To whom it may concern,

Thank you for reaching out. I just wanted to take the time to let you know that no offense was intended with this promotion. We were simply trying to reach as many people as possible since the start time of the match creates some unique challenges as we look to draw a big crowd for a nationally-televised match.

We are certainly not being discriminatory as everyone can get in for free with a printed voucher from our website. We will continue to emphasize the free voucher just as much, if not more than the bulletin promotion moving forward.

We hope that you can come out and see our team play an exciting match against a challenging SEC rival! It should be a fun day for all!

… but it was rather unsatisfactory. Let me translate some of it for you.

“… no offense was intended…” means ‘sorry you took issue with this’ or ‘sorry, not sorry.’

“… certainly not being discriminatory…” means ‘we don’t understand that the message we send with this promotion is still marginalizing.’

And they left several things unmentioned. Nothing about how these church bulletin discounts were illegal in the past, no discussion of if they plan to continue them in the future, not even a real apology. That means ‘we don’t really take your little atheist group seriously’ or ‘eh, we don’t want to deal with this and we kind of hope you’ll just go away.’

Shit, this is starting to sound more and more like the responses of those restaurant owners. *Sigh.*

So we wrote back asking for some clarification.

Mr. Davis,

Thank you for responding to our concern. We never believed your intent was to offend anybody, but nonetheless, the actions have.

We are still not clear on why the church bulletin remains necessary after adding the free voucher earlier this week. If the church bulletin discount is targeted to reach churchgoers, you must be directing your advertising at churches. If this is so, why is the free voucher not sufficient to advertise at churches?

Additionally, we were only able to find one other instance where a church bulletin discount was offered for an 11A.M. game. The rest were for other times of day, which presumably don’t create the same “unique challenges” for getting high attendance. And other Mizzou sports seem to have found ways around these challenges that don’t involve marginalizing a portion of their audience; we have not been able to find church bulletin discounts offered for any sport except volleyball and baseball. For example, last year’s softball games were huge after offering kids softball Bingo cards to play, drawing in families.

We’re also very curious about what prompted the introduction of the free voucher earlier this week (between Monday evening and Tuesday afternoon at some point, well after the initial church bulletin discount had been announced and advertised), as we cannot find any other instances of free vouchers being offered alongside church bulletin discounts in the past. Is this a new policy in response to the recent rulings that church bulletin discounts are illegal without other equal options?

While you are not limiting who can get in for free, the church bulletin discount inevitably shows favoritism toward those who attend church services, as they now have a special free offer targeted just at them.

If the church bulletin discounts must stay, we would like to make sure you have trained your staff to be sensitive to bulletins from any and all religious services. To prevent any accidental affronts, we would like to remind you that staff, as representatives of the University, should not question the validity of religious beliefs/bulletins, or individuals’ conviction in them.

Regards,

MU SASHA | Skeptics, Atheists, Secular Humanists & Agnostics

We haven’t received a response to this yet as we just sent it, but we’ll keep you updated** if and when we hear back. I’m especially interested to see if the reply addresses the fact that only baseball and volleyball have church bulletin discounts, because those sports’ promotions happen to both be managed by the same person.

And to think, this could have been an incredibly glowing article about the responsibility and religious sensitivity of our school, if only the promotions director had sent us a simple “we’re sorry, we weren’t aware of the illegality or offensiveness of this practice, here is how we’ll fix it…” and then removed the church bulletin discounts now and in the future.

They did a bit better than the other offenders in similar situations, but that’s a pretty low bar to beat. And their saving grace, as it were, is the free voucher that they can hide behind and say “but see, we’re not doing anything illegal!” which is not a very satisfactory solution to the issue we take with the (legal) pro-church message they’re sending.

Mizzou Athletics, avoiding the problem and trying to make it go away isn’t how a higher education institution should handle anything. I hoped for better from my university.

**Here’s the (apparently final) response:

Thank you for your note.

 I feel that we have answered all of your questions in our first e-mail and there is not a need to repeat myself. I would be glad to talk with you over the phone or in person if you still have concerns.

 Thanks!

Well, I must have missed all those answers in the first email. I guess I’ll just be content now. Hmph.

Ding Dong, the Reverend’s Dead

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Reverend Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, died last week.

Fred Phelps, November 13, 1929 – March 19, 2014

There have been some pretty mixed reactions.

Some people are advocating forgiveness, or encouraging everybody to ignore what happened. Others are anxiously awaiting the day they can have a gay orgy on his grave to celebrate the death of the wicked witch of the midwest. Many fall somewhere in the middle, hoping to protest his funeral as he did to so many others, and frustrated that the WBC won’t tell people when or where it will be held (even though they did apparently demand that George Takei and Ellen Degeneres give up the locations of their “unholy” weddings).

I’ve seen plenty of images like this that remind Christians to forgive.

And even though I’ve had a week to think on it since the news came out that Phelps was near death in the hospital, I still don’t know how I feel about it.

Fuck that guy, right? Fuck that guy and his family members that followed in his path. For the sake of all the people he hurt, I want to go picket his funeral and make his family feel alone and hated. I’m happy he’s dead and I wish the rest of them would die, too. I want Old Testament justice for what they’ve done.

That’s my gut reaction. If you don’t feel a little of it, I’m pretty sure you’re a Zen monk and you should get off the internet and start meditating again.

Y’all just radiate peace.

And I’m jealous of that. I don’t want to hate anybody. I don’t want to be happy that somebody died. I fancy myself a humanist; does that mean I’m supposed to be calm and collected and rational toward everybody? Maybe it means I can have these emotions so long as I don’t act on them. I don’t really know, so I’m rather conflicted.

At what point do I stop being an advocate for reason and activism and start being a member of a mindless, hateful mob? It’s tough to balance on a line when you don’t even know where it is.

It’s easy to feel righteous indignation sparked by images like this, even though it was posted long before Fred’s death:

Being a leader in the atheist community, I feel ashamed to admit that I can’t just let it go. I should be a role model of acceptance and compassion, but I’m torn. The WBC is made up of some of the most vile people in America… but they’re still people. People who grieve and mourn. I don’t know what I’d do if I found myself at the funeral with the options to ignore it or do my best to make it a horrible day for Fred’s family.

But it gets easier to dismiss the anger and focus on other things when posts like these start popping up:

The Empire State Building on International Day of Happiness, which just so happens to be the day Fred Phelps died. Reddit user SondheimXXX.

WBC counterprotesters at the Lorde concert in Kansas City. Reddit user ImJustAverage.

And of course, articles like this where Nate Phelps speaks publicly and shows a strength in character I strive for.

Let his death mean something. Let every mention of his name and of his church be a constant reminder of the tremendous good we are all capable of doing in our communities.

My father was a man of action, and I implore us all to embrace that small portion of his faulty legacy by doing the same.

So take what you will from Fred Phelp’s death. Be angry or happy or inspired. Laugh at the memes and appreciate compassionate displays. There’s no right way to react to the death of a horrible person; just make sure it doesn’t consume you, because nothing has really changed. The WBC isn’t going away, and LGBTQ rights won’t magically appear. Don’t get hung up on one person when there are so many more ways your energy could be used.

Will I ever forgive and forget Fred Phelps? Absolutely not. But I won’t waste my time hating him, either. Instead, I’ll dust off those red shoes and watch out for flying monkeys at the next WBC protest.

Dr. Eleonore Stump: A shining example of how speakers shouldn’t behave

“You’re just confused.”

“I recommend my book.”

“Counselors make a living” because people don’t know what’s good for them.

Meet Dr. Eleonore Stump.

Photo from slu.edu

A few weeks ago, this charming professor of philosophy presented her explanation of why a loving God could allow suffering. Her talk was actually titled “The Problem of Evil,” but she never satisfactorily equated evil with suffering, so I’ll call it like I see it.

Her lecture was a lesson for me in two ways: I learned the futility of trying to force an apologetic to answer a question they don’t want to answer, and I observed a fantastic example of what a speaker should not do. The former was useful as an overall life experience, but the latter gave me a lot to think about in terms of organizing a convention.

The basic concept Dr. Stump attempted to get across was that the best thing that can happen for a person is to become closer to God, and suffering is a means to that end. We’ll ignore her unfounded premise that closeness to God is, like, OMG, the best thing EVERRRR and focus on some other problems instead.

Is all suffering because of evil? If I go through a rough breakup, is my ex evil? There’s a lot of suffering out there that has nothing to do with malicious actions of other people. I think this talk should be called “The Problem of Suffering” or “Dr. Stump Needs a Dictionary.” A few members repeatedly asked her to explain where this definition came from, or at least admit that her talk was about suffering, but she brushed off those questions.

This God doesn’t seem all that powerful. Seriously, if hurting His children (or allowing them to be hurt) is the best way he has to persuade them to come into his bear hug, he’s rather weak. Zeus could get closer to his followers by becoming a cloud! And if any real parent did that- “Officer, I only starved little Jimmy so he would shower affection on me as a desperate last resource for happiness”- it would not be called love. It would be called abuse. Dr. Stump kindly reminded us that we can’t possibly understand God’s thought process (but she can).

“Yeah, sorry about your house. But I can make it all better again, just love meeeeeeee!” – God

He doesn’t seem smart either. How many people turn away from religion because they simply can’t fathom that a Father who loves them would allow them to be date-raped or mugged or lose a child? This strategy isn’t very effective, sky-bro. Dr. Stump cleverly explained this by pointing out that we can’t possibly know what happens in a dying person’s mind in their last milliseconds of life, so obviously they all have a chance to turn to God. Obviously.

Dr. Stump also tried to use science to prove her point, and that just made me ragegiggle. She talked about adversarial growth, the psychological phenomenon of becoming tougher after a trauma. Commonly known as “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” According to her, this is a God-given gift, so that sufferers can go on this roundabout hellish journey to heaven. What she fails to mention (or perhaps even understand) is that this is easily an evolutionary adaptation. Our ancestors who moped around probably didn’t get laid as much as the ones who bounced right back and kept hunting or building or whatever they did to get some booty.

Maybe this guy’s mom just died. But he still has to keep up with the migrating group.

She also suggested that people feeling closer to God means they actually are closer to God. Just like every time I feel like I’m going to win the lottery means I’m definitely ending up richer tomorrow. Irrefutable proof, right there. Go look at my imaginary million dollars right next to my debt and sadness.

Okay, she makes faulty arguments and won’t answer direct questions… so she’s a bad speaker. But Katie, what did you learn for your shamelessly plugged conference coming up in March?

Dear reader, I learned how a speaker shouldn’t treat their audience. More importantly, I discovered that what I thought are basic concepts of respect and academic discourse seem to baffle some professionals. I aim to do my best to prevent anything like this happening at SASHAcon.

“You’re just confused.”  She literally said this to one of SASHA’s members instead of answering his question. He was pointing out, like many of us did, that an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God really ought to be able to come up with a better way to lead his flock than to let them die of cholera. Dr. Stump jumped on her circular logic train again, after insulting and belittling an audience member. This is not okay. Statements like this cannot be tolerated in a professional forum. “I think you may be confusing x and y and here’s why” would be fine, or even admitting “I don’t think I can explain this in a different way, so let’s move on” would be an acceptable alternative. Someone who has chosen to give your presentation the time of day should not be personally attacked in any way.

Your audience should not be looking at you like this. You’ve done something wrong.

“I recommend my book.” Oh, do you now? How coincidentally profitable for you to refuse to fully answer a question and send people to purchase your book to get the whole flawed explanation. Very ethical. Although, if you truly cared that we understand your side, and if you really wanted to give us a chance to see the light and go to God, you’d offer your priceless guide for free, right? Didn’t think so.

“Counselors make a living” because people don’t know what’s good for them. Yes, let’s insult an entire profession by insinuating that their only worth is in telling people to stop being stupid. Dr. Stump’s point here was to demonstrate that humans suffer because we choose things we think we want, but turn out to be wrong, and then God is there to give a hug when we inevitably get hurt. Apparently, counselors are like a mini-God or something, steering people away from bad life choices. As someone whose career goals include counseling the severely mentally ill, I find the implication that my job will consist of nothing more helpful than telling people not to cheat on their significant other rude and enormously incorrect. (And shouldn’t it also mean that therapists are evil because they steer people away from the suffering they need to go through in order to find God…?)

Dr. Stump, is this my life?

These are behaviors that I want to make sure our speakers avoid. Dr. Stump can get away with it because she’s part of the religious majority in this country and therefore already has a lot of people on her side. We, on the other hand, can’t afford to alienate anybody who comes to our conference to learn and meet people who represent the atheist community.

Dr. Stump, I find you incompetent and I really dislike you, but I must thank you for demonstrating how not to act as a professional and an academic.

It’s Bisexuality Visibility Day

Hello all!

Been awhile since I’ve posted; hope everyone is doing great!

I think most of the people who read this blog probably know most or all of this stuff already, but allow me to dispel some myths about bisexuality for those who don’t:

Bisexual doesn’t mean promiscuous. Some bisexual people have or have had lots of partners and some don’t or haven’t, same as straight people and gay people etc.

Bisexual doesn’t mean non-monogamous. Some have or prefer open relationships and some don’t.

Bisexual doesn’t mean into threesomes/group sex. Some like sex with multiple partners simultaneously and some don’t.

Bisexual doesn’t mean unfaithful. Just because you find both blondes and brunettes attractive doesn’t mean you’re going to cheat on your blonde girlfriend for a brunette. It doesn’t work like that.

Bisexual doesn’t mean unsure of one’s orientation. It’s true that some gay people identify as bisexual as a stepping-stone to test the waters on their path to realizing they’re gay and/or coming out as gay, but this is not to say bisexuality doesn’t exist in itself. Bisexual does not mean secretly gay. If someone tells you s/he’s bisexual, it is not your place to question this.

Bisexual doesn’t mean “transvestite” (this word can be pejorative as distancing language) or cross-dresser. Some bisexual people like to dress in more feminine clothes or more masculine clothes but that really has little, if anything, to do with their orientation.

Bisexual doesn’t mean trans. Bisexual does not mean a person wishes they had different genitalia than they do, or that they want to be called different pronouns than those that are traditionally associated with the sex assigned to them at birth. Some trans* people are also bisexual but they are independent things.

Bisexual doesn’t mean kinky. Some bisexual people are and some aren’t.

Bisexual doesn’t mean oriented right down the middle (necessarily). Many bisexual people are more attracted to women than they are to men, or vice versa. It’s not black-and-white like that.

Bisexual doesn’t mean a person doesn’t take safe sex seriously, or that a person is more likely to have a sexually transmitted infection.

A person does not have to have been in any variation of a relationship in order to say they’re bisexual. Having been in a “same-sex” relationship, or having been in both a “same-sex” and “straight” relationship at different times, does not “legitimize” a person’s bisexuality. There is no such thing as a “legitimate” bisexual person.

Guys, it is extremely egocentric and insulting to imply that bisexual women or lesbians who are affectionate with other women in your presence are doing so for your benefit. This is not to say that some women (even those who are straight) don’t do this for attention from men, but if you know someone to be bisexual, don’t assume that their sex life has anything to do with your sex life unless you are partners.

Oh, and if you’re fine with bisexual relationships between two women but think bisexual relationships between two men are gross, guess what? You’re still a bigot, but hopefully after reading this, at least you won’t be an ignorant one.

Until next time!

Dave
dave_bio_pic4Dave Muscato is the Public Relations Director for American Atheists based in Cranford, New Jersey, where he blogs regularly at http://www.atheists.org. An atheism activist, blogger, and public speaker, he is also a board member of MU SASHA. He is a vegetarian, LGBTQ ally, and human- & animal-welfare activist. Dave posts updates to the SASHA blog when he has time; and he also blogs for the Humanist Community at Harvard and SkepticFreethought.com. His website is http://www.DaveMuscato.com

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and don’t forget… other SASHA members! We are here for you, too!

Possessed hand ushers in the Apocalypse: Thanks OBAMA!

Norfolk, VA. In an effort to raise the cost of U.S. health care so that His will can be done and Obamacare repealed, the Lord has forsaken hospitals and given them over to the Devil himself.

The Devil was first introduced to the health care system when his son on earth, Obama, filed down his horns and ran for president on a health care platform. Through a yearlong campaign deceiving the weak of faith, despite Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s warnings and a chain email sent out by God, the Devil managed to fool Americans into thinking Obamacare would be a good idea.

Now he has struck. The Devil recently possessed a Virginia man’s hand and caused him to sin. So, in accordance with the OT, Thomas Passmore cut off his hand. Foolishly, he rushed not only himself bodily to the hospital, but also brought his possessed hand, thereby allowing the Devil to enter the hospital.

greek-handless

The ancient Greeks’ hands were frequent targets of demonic possession, which we see reflected in their sculptures. Their civilization collapsed into Godlessness.

Due to recent advances in medicine, hospitals are normally protected from demonic intrusion through a series of rituals and other scientific things. However, due to a weakness in the system, which for obvious security reasons cannot be revealed, the possessed hand was allowed into the hospital, where it quickly wreaked havoc.

The doctors attempted to reattach Passmore’s possessed hand, but as he was then free from his possession, he vehemently resisted. He explained that the hand was possessed by the Devil.

Dr. Tad Grenga, who was in charge of the ordeal, claimed, “we ran a few differential diagnostics on both the patient and the disembodied hand. The most likely explanation, according to my medical education at Liberty University, was that indeed the hand was possessed, and we would be violating the Hippocratic oath by reattaching it. We therefore gave the patient a silver hook, which he could use to fight off future evil forces, like werewolves. Obamacare encourages that kind of preventative care, so we met all standard of care criteria.”

The hand, now running free throughout the hospital, disagrees: “Haec allegata sunt flagitia! Ut filii lucis estis, et filii serpentis; Quid tandem te nocebunt? Nolumus autem vos suffocare!” The hand then hissed and scampered off toward Pediatrics.

However, the Devil’s work was not finished, according to Dr. Grenga: “Now fully possessed by The Great Deceiver, the patient claims to have been suffering from psychosis while protesting his hand’s reattachment. He is suing me for three million dollars. I pray to God that this will go away.”

God’s heavenly messengers issued a press release this morning via a trumpeted fanfare announcing that God had no intention of intervening on Dr. Grenga’s behalf, stating, “With baseball season ramping up after the All-Star Break, His Majesty must devote full attention to matters more important than hospitals. Grenga would do better to make a large bet on the Royals and pray to Him for their victory.”

Passmore maintains that it was all a psychotic episode, which the medical staff should have detected. He maintains that, while in his psychotic state, he was unable to make any decisions concerning his medical treatment. But, that’s just what a possessed liar would say.

According to Dr. Emory Taylor, Chair of Demonology at Harvard, we can expect more of these incidents in the near future, as Satan and his children dismantle the forsaken health care institution, like they did with education due to the teaching of evolution.

[http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19970904&slug=2558454, story actually from 1997.]